I got a call from a weird number last night while I was working at the Children's Hospital for clinical. I tried to call it back but got an error message from Verizon and realized it was too many numbers. I figured it was just a collector and didn't think much of it. I got to my car when we were done had a missed call from my sister and a text that said "call me ASAP" with everything going on lately my heart sank. I called her and she told me Rhiana I'm on my way to your house.....I asked her why? Preparing for something I couldn't even imagine.... dads dead, he's gone. I sat there and couldn't even absorb it. I didn't cry, I didn't think it could possibly be true. I asked if she was joking and she said of course not. She said she wanted to be at my house when I got home so I wasn't alone. I drove to her house instead since the boys would have been asleep. I called Josh and he was pretty quiet, I asked if he knew and he did, he had talked to my brother in law.
They all expected I'd be at clinicals til at least 11 but we'd got out at 9. The long number that had called was my step mom or my sister trying to get a hold of me. Lisa my step mom found him in the shower about 6:30 am their time in Australia, most likely a heart attack. I called her from my sister's, she sounded so lost. I've never heard her like that. She's always strong and outspoken. My heart broke into a million pieces. She told me they thought it was fast so he wasn't in pain or suffer. "we had a good life, no regrets. I should have had more time" I told her how sorry I was and we loved her, asked if she had someone there with her.
I'm just numb.
Josh drove to my sister's and met me there last night. We stayed til about 1 and Ash and I went through old pictures and cried and hugged and shared our total disbelief.
Dad and I talked every few months. Our last phone call was Skype and he was showing me around their house and the boys got to say hi. We always talked at least an hour but it didn't happen frequently. I have so much guilt. So many should haves.
I just have to cling on to the good times and all the great things we got to do together or I'll go crazy.
We haven't told the boys yet, they adored him. Josh figured we'd tell them this weekend so they have some time to absorb or deal with it rather than their school week.
I'm so glad we spent so much time together during his October visit. We stayed up until 2 or 3 each night talking and looking at pictures.
It was never a perfect situation because of my parents being divorced and living so far but I loved him so much. It just was what it was. We talked on holidays, birthdays and saw each other at least once a year. It sucked not having him close growing up and not having him as involved in my life as I would have liked, but we made do. I knew he loved me even if it wasn't perfect.
Now we wait to see what they're  going to do for transporting him back state side and when.
He wanted to be cremated and be near his dad in Minnesota.
I still just can't believe it.
I hate that life just goes on around me when I just want it to stop and honor him. I just want the world to be sad and mourning with me. Its been hard going through the motions of life today. I have my moments where I'm calm and then when it's quiet and I'm not distracted that I just lose it.
I don't know when this will sink in that it's real.

My sister wrote this and I don't want to forget it. It sums up exactly how I have been feeling about it.

"It's not any easier this morning.. If anything it's worse. I never got the chance to do the things I wanted to do with you. You were gone too soon when I was a child, and now that I'm an adult you've gone too soon again, but this time there's no coming back. If you ever felt like we didn't care, I'm so sorry. I should have picked up the phone more often, or written an email more often. We just got into this routine where this was normal. It was just how it was. I have so much regret now that you're gone, and nothing will repair it. My loving father, even though you might not have had the words for me, we had a silent understanding of one another. I'll miss you and love you forever. This pain I feel now will strengthen me, I promise."

I love you dad.

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