tired but can't sleep.
i always have so much going through my head at night. tattoo ideas. missing kerry. the boys, worrying about money. wanting a cigarette. need to sleep. not too tired. should i get up. just get up. tattoo ideas. what to wear tomorrow. need to stay off my phone at work. i want more babies. we can't afford more babies. stress. stress.
blah blah blah.
i should be snuggled up next to my husband. all i wanted to do was come downstairs and surf the web and go all glass eyed.
i want a cigarette.
yep i'll admit it and come out.
i've picked up the habit again.
i'm not proud.
in fact i'm disgusted.
but, i'm fucking stressed and i hardly think drinking wine every other night is any better.
it's really no excuse and i don't really feel like i need to come up with any.
i told my husband and was scared and embarrassed to tell him. he was disappointed and pointed out dying and emphasyma. i told him i didn't want to insult his intelligence and pretend he couldn't smell it and lie about it.
i know that i'll quit again. i don't want to be a mom smoker. my mom was shocked and said she never thought i would pick up another again in my life.
too good to be true i guess.
mother of twins, working full time with a husband working full time and going to school full time, something has to give.
for now....it's the cigarettes.